Christian Spirituality

No More False Positive Confessions

Posted by Jim Thornber on March 29, 2018
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies” Psalm 34:12-13

I am now convinced that I did not become a proficient liar until I became a dedicated disciple of Christ.

Before I became a Christian, if someone asked me what I thought about a subject, I’d tell them. I may have lacked diplomacy and discretion, and I know I needed to work on my social graces, but I was honest with my opinion. Now I think about what I say in order not to offend someone. Quite often I weigh truth against kindness, and kindness tends to win.

In other words, I lie.

The other night my wife and I were having a conversation with a friend who is dealing with a great amount of stress in her job. Barbara said, “Feel free to come over any time and just talk.”

Since I’m a pastor, I encouraged her. “Our home is a safe place for you to come and unload. Feel free to be yourself. Be angry, frustrated and hurt. Say the bad words you want and know it’s okay.”

At this point she laughed and said, “I don’t think a pastor ever encouraged me to cuss before!”

I said, “If you’re thinking the bad words then God already knows it. You might as well just be honest about your feelings. God isn’t scared of your vocabulary.”

She said, “It is so hard to be honest. When people ask me how I’m doing I’ve become good at saying, ‘Fine. I’m good.’ Even when I’m not.”

At this point I said, “It’s amazing how we have to become Christians in order to become good liars.”

I hope someone will write and tell me the origin of the idea that Christians can’t be honest with how they’re feeling. If they’re feeling crappy (or worse), and someone asks them how they’re doing, they should feel free to say so. But that’s not what happens. We put on our good religious face, turn a stiff upper lip of faith into the wind, take a deep breath and spew our best positive confession. “I’m fine,” we say.

Liar.

Liar.

Liar.

Not too long ago I tried this technique on someone. You know, the honesty technique. If you’re expelling hot air in any church in America, it won’t be too long before someone asks you, “How are you doing?” When they did, I told them. Life was hard, I was crabby, and it wasn’t a very good day.

True to form, they said, “Well, brother, that isn’t a very positive confession.”

I said, “You can have a false positive confession or you can have honesty. Which do you prefer?”

The person stumbled out a response and walked away, and I figure I probably offended them with the truth. But here’s the thing: I’d rather offend people with the truth (especially those who don’t REALLY care how I’m doing), than lie to them in order to protect their feelings. And I learned something – I feel better about myself for being honest.

I think it is a good thing to be a follower of Christ and not be a liar. No more false positives for me. From now on, when you ask me how I’m doing, be prepared to hear the truth.

Jesus The Samaritan

Posted by Jim Thornber on March 6, 2018
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

The [expert in religious law] wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor” – Luke 10:29 (NLT)

 

Here I am, reading along and preparing for my Sunday sermon, feeling good about myself because I’m the pastor and a handful of people will get out of bed early and listen to me expound upon the Word of God, when it starts to occur to me I’m not as good as I like to think. In fact, sometimes I’m too religious for my own good, and it took a long-dead lawyer to get me to take a hard look at myself

In the Parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), a lawyer challenges Jesus with the question, “What should I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus replies, “How do you read it?” And the lawyer goes on to give the acceptable church answer: Love God with all you heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. “Great,” responds Jesus, “do it and live.”

The lawyer should have left well enough alone, but he goes on and tries to justify the way he treats others. Eugene Peterson says, “Looking for a loophole,” the lawyer asks, “Who is my neighbor?” Jesus’ answer tells the lawyer he is asking the wrong question. We should not be concerned with writing a short list called, These Folks Are Acceptable Neighbors. Instead, we should ask the question, “What kind of neighbor am I?”

I’d like to think this parable gives the lawyer a tough time, and it does, but it is actually tougher on me than I like to admit. If I’m really honest, I’ll admit that I’m more like the lawyer than the Samaritan. I’m selfish enough to want to believe that loving my neighbor means loving people who love me. That loving my neighbor means doing nice things for people who will probably do nice things back. That visiting the sick means someone in the church will find out and tell others what a good pastor I am. That’s probably what the lawyer thought, too, and he felt pretty good about how he’d fulfilled that command.

But Jesus’ story about the Samaritan does to me the same thing Jesus intended it to do to the lawyer. It makes me uncomfortable, reaches up and smacks me in the head, and makes me admit my compassion can sometimes be very small and limited.

Then I saw that the life of Jesus is the true example of the Good Samaritan. Through His death and resurrection, Jesus covers our nakedness and binds up our wounds. He puts us in a place of safety, provides for our needs, and promises to return and take us to Himself. This parable is, in many ways, the essence of the Gospel message, spoken and lived by our Savior Jesus Christ.

I find it interesting that the lawyer quoted Lev. 19:18 when he said we should love our neighbor as our self. However, the Samaritan didn’t just quote the Scripture, but like Jesus, he fulfilled it. This parable shows us that we measure the love we have for God and ourselves by the way that we love others. The priest and Levite may have professed their love for God, but they didn’t really love themselves because they didn’t show love to their neighbor.

This is why Jesus finally turns back to the lawyer and says, “Now, which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the man who was attacked by bandits?” (vs. 36). The lawyer now sees his original question, “Who is my neighbor?” turned back on him by Jesus’ question. Because, as I said, the real issue is not, “Who is my neighbor?” but “Am I a good neighbor?” The lawyer says, “The one who showed him mercy.” And Jesus says, “Yes, now go and do the same.”

Jesus the Good Samaritan is a good neighbor. He saw my wounded soul and gave me a place to rest. Now it is up to me to follow the words of Jesus to the lawyer when He said, “Now go and do the same.”

 

 

 

Jesus Does Not Need My Boat

Posted by Jim Thornber on December 22, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Scripture. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

Matthew 14:25 says, “During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.” This seems like a straightforward Scripture, but the part that challenges me is this: Jesus does not need my boat.

Our “boat” is anything we possess that enables us to do our job, fulfill our calling and arrive at our God-chosen destination. It could be our experiences, titles, education, salary, family connections or possessions. But Jesus, after making the disciples get into the boat and encounter a storm, walked across the water to be with them.

Jesus did not need their boat.

Too often we (which means, of course, primarily me!) assume that God has brought us to this certain place, endowed us with these certain gifts, allowed us to experience those particular things because He is going to use them for this particular purpose. But we deceive ourselves when we think we have the plans of God all figured out.

Jesus does not need our boat.

There was a time, of course, when Jesus chose to use our boat. In Luke 5:1-3, Jesus used Peter’s boat in order to teach the crowds that had gathered around Him. Afterward, Jesus instructed Peter to go back out and fish, even though they had fished all night and caught nothing. Their catch after obeying the Lord was so large it almost sank Peter’s boat (Luke 5:7).

Later in our walk with Jesus, He shows us He has other means of accomplishing the purposes of God for our life. He wants us to grow beyond the safety and security of our “known” talents and abilities. Jesus wants us to learn that just about the time we think we’ve got the methods and motives of God figured out, He purposely sends us into a storm so that He can scare the wits out of us by appearing in a form we least expect.

Sometimes the storm is a financial scare so He can appear in the form of our Provider. We thought we were providing everything for our family, but God reminds us that everything we have comes from Him (1 Chron. 29:14).

Other times we think it is our education or vocational connections that will land us that career we’ve always wanted, but then a call comes from someone we don’t know and we enter into a career we never imagined.

After four years of Bible College and two years of completing a Masters in Ministry, I’m finding that everything I thought I knew about being a pastor has brought me headlong into a storm that seems to be taking me further and further from the shore of church “ministry.” For some reason, I find that my life’s testimony is more effective on a construction site than in a church classroom, and unsaved men are changing their behavior because I walk into a room. However, I know it is not me they are responding to, but the Jesus within me.

Only now am I starting to realize that Jesus doesn’t need my boat—my education, teaching techniques, study habits, etc.—to lead me in His direction. And to tell you the truth, the vision I am now getting of God is scary, amazing, and unknowable all at the same time. I sometimes feel like I’m in the middle of a lake, pulling against the oars and drifting further and further from my goal. However, I know that one day I will arrive on the shore of His choosing, at the time of His appointing, to do the work of His anointing. We may not arrive there in my boat, but we will arrive there just the same.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God Is Here

Posted by Jim Thornber on December 16, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , . 2 Comments

This is the season when we think about the infant Jesus, our God in human form who came to us as a helpless baby, lying in a manger, surrounded by His poor parents, poor shepherds and sacrificial animals. We celebrate with festive gifts and songs, banquets and parades, ugly sweaters and too-sweet eggnog in an effort to remind ourselves we are not alone on this planet. Someone is watching us, aware of our presence, and it is both comforting and intimidating at the same time.

It is an amazing concept that God became a baby – a concept that we don’t give much thought to because we’re usually too busy decorating the house, buying presents and deciding which party to go to and which party we can skip without saying anything. And the worse part? Christmas has become the season when many people all over the world will spend money they haven’t yet earned on things they don’t need in order to impress people they don’t like in celebration of the birth of a Savior they don’t believe in. Even many Christians find themselves just wanting to get through this busy season, because in our rush to celebrate we somehow forget the origin of the word “holiday” is “holy days,” for they seem anything but holy.

Still, we choose to gather together to sing songs, worship our God, be amazed at His gift of salvation and listen to something inspirational from the pastor that will help us face, if not the rest of our lives, at least the next week. It is Christmas time and we are supposed to be celebrating, festive, and joyful, but for many people the pain of life is a constant reminder that things aren’t what they seem. Now Christmas is here and Jesus, our God in human form, still unable to control His bladder, is supposed to keep my life from falling apart.

And that is what we are going to talk about: God is here. And He is not silent. And He we are not alone. The world is throwing a party and people are moving fast and sometimes we wonder if we’ve been forgotten. We have not. God is here.

In Matthew chapter 9, Mark chapter 5 and Luke chapter 8 we see three stories, always in the same order: A demoniac in a cemetery, a diseased woman with a flow of blood and a dying girl who all needed the presence of Jesus. In a religious sense, these three meant Jesus would be ritually unclean by touching or being touched by them. But Jesus’ isn’t defiled by their presence. The demoniac no longer had demons, the woman no longer bled and the dead girl was now alive. What we learn is this: Our conditions do not change Jesus. Jesus changes our conditions. Perhaps we are responsible for the demons in our life. We invited them in and let them rule and now we can’t help ourselves. Or perhaps the disease of a sinful world separated from God has visited our own life and for twelve years we’ve been separated from God and our family. Then again, maybe nothing and no one is to blame and death has visited our door. Jesus shows Himself capable of overcoming demons, disease and death, and in the resurrection we see the ultimate reason Isaiah 9:6 said “For a child is born to us, a son is given to us.”  Why? Because “The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonder Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Our Prince of Peace is here to offer us the peace only God can bring.

Our Savior came to earth to reclaim His creation from the clutches of demons, disease and death, yet He never forgot the needs of individuals. The scope of His mission is universal, yet in God’s kingdom, there is no man, woman or child that is insignificant. Jesus is fully attentive to every individual and every situation.

Some people must come to Jesus for healing and salvation, as the woman did. Sometimes Jesus comes to us, as He did for the demoniac and the little girl. But regardless of how it happens, God is here. He has always been here. He was here since the beginning, but chose to revealing Himself by coming as a baby and showing us all how to grow in God. And that, of course, is the best Christmas present ever.

 

A Community of Two

Posted by Jim Thornber on November 24, 2017
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For four years I was an Assemblies of God minister and a monk with the Brothers and Sisters of Charity at the Little Portion Hermitage. This is an excerpt from   my book, Taking Off My Comfortable Clothes: Removing Religion to Find Relationship.

Barb and JimAfter I left the Little Portion, many people have asked me why I went there in the first place. Shortly after leaving, my typical answer was, “God wanted to make me a holy man in His sight.” This is true, but that is also God’s agenda in every person’s life.

After Barbara and I started dating and I began seriously thinking about marrying her, I started to see another reason for my time at the community—God wanted to work on certain areas of my life so they would not be a burden to my future wife. The Lord wanted to rid me of as much of my selfishness as possible, because if He was going to entrust me with His daughter, I needed to be in the right spiritual shape in order to treat her as God intended. My time at the Little Portion helped me do that, and it was a girlfriend from high school who showed me that I’d changed.

One time I returned to California on vacation and visited some college friends in San Jose. While I was there, I called my high school girlfriend because I was in the area and I’d never met her husband. We had remained friends since high school and I was looking forward to seeing her. Since this was the first time she saw me in my brown monastic habit, her opening line after a hug and a kiss was, “Well, you’re not hard to spot in a crowd!” As she got ready to leave, she told me she could see a change in me. “I no longer feel like an object in your eyes,” she said.

Okay guys, admit it. When you were  eighteen years old, you have trouble looking at girls in any other manner. Paul may have told Timothy to treat every woman as a sister, but that wasn’t our first choice!

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Would I Worship Or Would I Whine?

Posted by Jim Thornber on November 18, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Worship. Tagged: , , , , , . 3 Comments

“Jesus said to the woman, ‘I was sent only to help God’s lost sheep—the people of Israel.’ But she came and worshiped him, pleading again, ‘Lord, help me!’”­ Matthew 15:24-25

 

A few weeks ago a pastor in my town brought this passage to my attention. It is the story of Jesus leaving Galilee and going north into Tyre and Sidon, which was Gentile territory. A woman who lived there came to Him and pleaded for Jesus to heal her daughter, who was tormented by a demon. As a response to this request, Jesus remained silent.

Today, silence is a most hated concept. With smartphones, the internet, radio and television blaring everywhere we go, we’ve learned to distrust the sound of silence. Silence is wrong. Silence means something is broke. Silence makes us wonder if we’re still alive if all we hear is our own breathing.

Add to that silence the fact the people hanging out with Jesus urge Him to send her away and you have an emotional breakdown in the making. But she doesn’t go away. She just stands there and waits for the Son of David to answer her request. And when Jesus does speak, it is not as the meek and mild Jesus we sing about in church.

“I was sent only to help God’s lost sheep—the people of Israel,” He says. Great. Not only is Jesus treating her with silence, now He says he wasn’t sent for her. Apparently, there are people whose needs are greater or better or more deserving than a mother with a child possessed by a demon.

At this point in the story, I’d be ready to tell the Son of David what He can do with His Messiah complex. I mean, if God is going to be so callused as to tell me that others are more deserving of His mercy and grace, then it’s time to find another god.

But what this woman does next just astounds me. Verse 25 says, “But she came and worshiped him.” Is that what I would do? Would I worship God after He has been silent, after the church folk have suggested He send me away and finally after God says He’s not here for me? I’d be more tempted to whine about how life is all against me than to worship a God who intends to ignore me.

But now this woman challenges me again, for in her humility she acknowledges that everything Jesus said was true. She was not an Israelite, Jesus was not here for her first, and she shouldn’t get the meat from the table. All true. It is only the proud people like me who think Jesus’ arrival on earth was all about meeting my personal needs according to my personal timing. When will I learn that even the scraps from God’s table are richer fare than any five-star meal the world has to offer? Isn’t it better to be a dog in God’s kingdom than a king in the realm of Satan? This woman has seen how the demons treat people like her daughter, and she knows there’s more compassion in the crumbs of God than in the lies of the loftiest fallen angel.

Now, let’s look at this passage from another angle. Yes, Jesus was silent, but He was there. He was in her presence and He didn’t leave. In fact, He came to her town; she didn’t travel to him. There is always hope when God is present.

Next, we see that silence isn’t a refusal. He was silent but He didn’t say no. In silence there also is hope. Don’t let the silence of God or the quick answers of the critics send you away from what you need most.

When Jesus replied He was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel, there is still hope. If there wasn’t, what was Jesus doing in Gentile territory? Sometimes we think God is only going to help the good people who are worthy. But this scene reminds us that God came to save the world, because the entire world is as unworthy as this Gentile woman. God is increasing her faith – and we could all use a bit more faith.

Therefore, the next time God is silent regarding my requests, I need to remember that His silence doesn’t mean “No.” I need to remember that Jesus came to me before I came to Jesus, for that reminds me how important I am to Him. I need to remember that the critics who want me to disappear have forgotten that Jesus chose to be with me, and I’ll stand in His presence as long as He’ll have me.

Finally, when God tells me the truth about who I am, I need to remember that even a mutt like me has a place at the Banquet table of God. Sure, life may not always go as I’d like it, but Jesus has entered the room and where He is, there is hope.

 

 

 

 

My VERY Bad Imitation Of Moses

Posted by Jim Thornber on November 4, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

I was walking out of Lowe’s a few years back when I saw a man who had left the church I pastored a few earlier. Not long after he left, I merged our fellowship with another church in town and we were in the midst of remodeling our joint facility. As I happily explained to this former member all the good things that were taking place, I was also thinking, “Aren’t you just a bit jealous that your leaving didn’t cause our church to fold? Aren’t you envious that we’re doing better since you left? Don’t you want to come see our progress and tell me just how fine a pastor I am?”

I wasn’t in my truck two seconds when the Lord told me what a selfish fool I’d just been, and I was reminded of the story of Moses and the rock.

Moses, by the direction of God, guided the grumbling Israelites into the Desert of Zin, where they camped at Kadesh. In other words, they were exactly where God wanted them. Upon finding themselves without water, they did the natural thing – they yelled at Moses. Moses in turn turns to God, who tells Moses, “Speak to the rock over there, and it will pour out its water” (Num. 20:8). You noticed, of course, that God said, “Speak to the rock.” Did you also notice that Moses turned and struck the rock not once, but twice?

God the All-Knowing was not at all surprised by the action of Moses and says, “Because you did not trust me enough to demonstrate my holiness to the people of Israel, you will not lead them into the land I am giving them!”

God, you see, isn’t in the habit of sharing His glory with mere mortals (Isaiah 48:11).

Moses struck the Rock (Christ was the Rock – 1 Corinthians 10:4) and said, “Must WE bring you water out of this rock?” (vs. 10, emphasis mine). Bringing water out of the rock was the Lord’s doing, not Moses’. But Moses wanted the people to see how powerful he was, how effective he was in producing miracles, how central he was to God’s plan. However, God’s plan didn’t include Moses in the center of anything but obedience to the His instructions. Moses promoted himself over the goodness and provision of God, and it cost him his passport into the Promised Land.

And therein lies the sting for most of us. God is working mightily in our lives, performing miracles when we simply obey, and we can’t seem to get ourselves out of His way. At every opportunity we find ways to prove to people that we have a legitimate reason for breathing air and taking up space and we want to shout, “Look at everything God is doing through ME!”

Like Moses, I wanted to strike out and prove my worth. I wanted a man in a Lowe’s parking lot to see me and be impressed. Maybe he was impressed with me, but God wasn’t. My power wants to strike out, but God’s power speaks, creates, provides and guides His people in ways that are best for them, regardless of the perceived ego needs of the leaders.

Fortunately, God didn’t take away my ticket to the Promised Land. But He did remind me to keep my high opinion of myself out of the way of His grace. Where God guides He will provide, and He doesn’t need me to promote my agenda and feed my ego to see His miracles take place.

 

My Rich Guest

Posted by Jim Thornber on October 4, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , , , . 2 Comments

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly—Colossians 3:16

A few weeks ago, we had some family stay with us for a few days. They live about three and a half hours away, so when they come for a visit it is always a special event. I preparation for their arrival, we clean the house, over-stock up on food, make up the guest room, clear a path from the laundry room to the kitchen (admit it; you do the same thing), take out pillows and blankets, pull the mattress off the futon so the kids can sleep on the floor and generally put the house in order. And it stays that way for about, oh, the six minutes it takes the grandkids to drop their stuff on the floor, get out the toys, and make themselves at home.

Naturally, we wouldn’t have it any other way. Our family is always welcome to visit us and stay as long as they want, which is never long enough.

After they leave, we pick up the house, put the guest room back in order, fold the blankets, replace the mattress, start a new load of laundry and then sit in silence. We miss the crowded living room, the noise and bumping into each other getting in and out of our one bathroom, but it’s nice to have the house back in order again. We made room for our guests, but now that they’re gone, we quickly put the house back the way we like it.

All this reminds me of the difference between a guest in a house and the one who owns and dwells in a house. A guest is not a permanent resident; a dweller is. A guest comes and goes according to what is convenient for him and the host. A dweller remains regardless of the circumstances. A guest does not have the right to paint the walls and move the couch near the window. Only the resident of the house has those privileges.

In Colossians 3:16, Paul tells us to let the word of Christ dwell in us richly. As I studied this passage, I began to see the differences between a guest and a resident. That done, I had to ask this question: Am I allowing the Word to dwell in me like a resident in a house, or do I simply invite it in like an infrequent guest, hoping it won’t stay too long and try to rearrange the furniture?

I like the way Eugene Peterson translates this verse in The Message. “Let the Word of Christ – the Message – have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives.”

The Message of Christ, the full teaching and knowledge of Jesus’ purpose and being, should have the run of my life. That’s another way of saying Jesus is King of my life and His every word is my command. I wish it were always true. But Peterson doesn’t stop there. For some mean and sadistic reason he adds, “Give it plenty of room in your lives.”  Thanks, Gene. Not only am I having trouble letting Jesus have full run of the house, now you’re telling me I have to give Him plenty of room to do so.

And here I was hoping the guest room would suffice.

Now I have a question for all of us who make the claim that Jesus is the Lord of our life. Is the Message and presence of Christ living and dwelling in you as an owner occupies a house, or does is just come and visit on weekends at your convenience?

 

Prayer Vigil for Charlottesville

Posted by Jim Thornber on August 19, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Service. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

Last night our community held a prayer vigil for the victims of hate in Charlottesville, VA. I was asked to speak, and I wanted to share with you what I said.

First of all, we must all understand that we are here this evening celebrating love, celebrating life, celebrating the goodness and joy of community. To a very lesser extent, we are also mourning and weeping over the presence of hate and a young girl named Heather who was senselessly killed by hate. I say to a lesser extent, because I will never allow hate to have a greater power and influence in my life than love.

At these times, when we’ve gathered to remember the consequences of hate, it is right to pause and ask, “What can we do? What is the answer?” Before we ask that question, we must seriously consider what the problem isn’t.

It is not a “We need to pass a new law” problem. It is not a communication problem. It is not an education, school, teacher or college problem. It is not a black vs. white, left vs. right or republican vs. democrat problem. It is a spiritual problem.

Of course, we all have problems with people. Some of us here this evening have problems with people we work with in the same company. Some of us have problems with people who are at our same school, same grade, same class. Some of us have problems with people who play on the same team.

Now it is time for me to do some meddling. Some of us have big problems with people we go to the same church with. Some of us have problems with people in our own family.

So what is my point?

It is not a societal problem we are facing; it is a spiritual problem. Cain hated his brother Abel and there were only four people in the world, of the same race, in communication with the same God! We will not bring a resolution to the difficulties in our society until we resolve to cure our own spiritual difficulties. And that starts with our heart and our relationship with God.

When we see God as He truly is, we see people as He created us to be, and it is then that hate is displaced by the love of God. That is the answer to what has happened in Charlottesville, in Baltimore, in Ferguson, yesterday in Barcelona, and, to a smaller extent, even in Independence, Kansas.

We can remove all the flags, statues and symbols we want. But if we don’t remove the hate in our hearts and replace it with the Holy Spirit of God almighty, Creator of heaven and earth, we will remain only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

 

No Wishing Allowed

Posted by Jim Thornber on July 31, 2017
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

Not too long after Barbara and I were married, we cooked our first Thanksgiving turkey. It wasn't too bad for a first time effort, and, although I really don't remember it, I'm sure the whole meal was a joy. I do remember, however, that after I carved the turkey I did the traditional thing and set the wishbone aside to dry on the windowsill in the kitchen.

After a few weeks we decided the wishbone was ready to be tested. Barbara took one end and I took another. After making our “wishes,” we pulled at the wishbone, only to have it split evenly right up the middle. No winners. No losers. Just us, still the same. We looked at each other, then at the pieces of bone in our hands, then back at each other and nervously laughed.

I don't often get weirdly spiritual, as in looking for God trying to get my attention behind every strange happening or offbeat coincidence. Still, Barbara and I knew immediately what the Lord was saying, and we haven't shared a wishbone since. Not once. So, if you think we are weird spiritual fanatics, at least we are weird together and we don't have only one of us taking all the blame.

From this simple incident we learned two valuable lessons. First, the success of our marriage has nothing to do with luck and even less to do with wishing. There is nothing superstitious, coincidental, fortuitous or haphazard about a successful marriage. A strong, committed relationship is a choice we make, everyday, for the rest of our lives. Furthermore, I didn't get “lucky” finding Barbara. My first priority was to follow God’s direction in my life, not find a wife. With that priority set, God brought the right woman into my life. Luck is not a factor when
God is placed first.

Second, Barbara and I are not in competition. I do not “win” when she “loses.” I am not the better person if my wishes come true over those of my wife. There is plenty of good in life to go around without thinking my fortune must come at someone else's misfortune. Unless we are in a heated game of Scrabble, I am not in competition with Barbara. And even in Scrabble, we cheer the other if they make a high score. I didn't get married to compete with and overcome my best friend. Her success is my success.

Because I believe this, it bothers me to watch couples take delight in putting the other one down in public. If a guy does that to his wife, I'm thinking, “If she is so stupid and ignorant, why did you take public vows telling the world you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Who’s the real idiot in this scene?”

Ephesians reminds men to “love your wives, just as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Not once has anyone ever heard Jesus point to one of His Bride and say, “Why are you so dumb? Hey Mike and Gabe, come look at what stupid thing this one did just now.” Jesus treats His Church better than that, and so should we. Even if they are not our spouse. But especially if they are.

So, this Thanksgiving when someone wants to make a wish over a piece of bone, kindly look at them and say, “Tell you what. How ‘bout we both pray good things for one another, because your success is my success.”