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Thank You For Saying, “Thank You”

Posted by Jim Thornber on October 27, 2022
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Grief, Scripture. Tagged: God, Gratitude, Jesus, Scripture, Spirituality. Leave a comment

          On Mother’s Day this year, just before I headed for the piano at church to practice with the worship team, my phone “binged,” alerting me I received a text on Facebook Messenger. I didn’t immediately recognize the name “Bailey,” but there was something vaguely familiar in the last name. This person asked if I was the same Jim Thornber who used to live in California, taught about the physical aspects of the crucifixion of Christ at a Bible study, and who later moved to Arkansas. Yep, that would be me.

            As we continued to message, they said they wanted to contact me for two reasons. First, they wanted me to know that my sharing the Gospel with them was not a wasted effort. Although they didn’t accept Jesus as their Lord when I lived in California, they eventually did and have been a strong Christian for many years. Second, they wanted to say, “Thank you” for never giving up on them and having so much patience as they asked “so many questions.” As a bonus, I gained an old/new friend in my life, and I still like to say to Bailey, “Thank you for saying, ‘Thank you.’”

            Last Sunday evening I received another “Thank you.” Johanna is a student at Southwestern Christian University, and heard me speak at the chapel in September. The theme of this semester’s chapel is “Lessons from the Dead,” so I read three chapters from my book Better with Every Breath, which shares some of the lessons I learned since my wife Barbara passed away in September, 2020. Johanna shared with me she is now putting up Post-It notes in her dorm room to remind her to ”choose joy,” which is a reference to one of the chapters I read. I told Johanna I was now crying, and thanked her for saying, “Thank you.”

            As I was thinking about these two people who recently said “Thank you” for my influence in their life, my mind wandered over to Galatians 6:6, which says, “Those who are taught in the word of God should provide for their teachers, sharing all good things with them” (NLT). Although this verse may lean primarily towards providing finances for those who are teachers of the Word, there is another provision I’m thinking of today which cannot be purchased, and that is gratitude.

            I understand how satisfying (and humbling!) it was when Bailey and Johanna said, “Thank you.” Now, in the two years since Barbara passed away, another lesson I’ve learned is to make a greater effort to express my gratitude to the people in my life while I still have them, for that hasn’t always been the case.  Gratitude is such a great gift, and it only takes a moment to express my sincere thankfulness and appreciation to my mentors, teachers, and friends for the significant ways they have touched my life.  It doesn’t cost us anything to say “Thank you,” and it is a gift anyone can give.

            Finally, I like to remind myself that gratitude is a gift that gives twice. First, by sharing my gratitude with someone who has touched my life, it gives them a gift they cannot buy and, if they are anything like me, the effects will linger long after the words have been spoken. Second, gratitude increases my own joy and happiness, for it reminds me of all the treasures in my life money cannot buy. I’ve come to realize that I own only those things that cannot be taken from me, with gratitude and joy being at the top of that list.

            May we all learn to be better givers and receivers in that beautiful exchange of gifts that says, “Thank you for saying, ‘Thank you.’” 

The Day My Grandmother Talked To Me About Sex

Posted by Jim Thornber on September 2, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Marriage, Scripture, Sex. Tagged: Faith, God, Marriage, Scripture, Sex. Leave a comment

 “The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.” (Gen. 2:25)  

             One day in 1979, I was visiting my grandmother at her apartment in Oswego, New York. Not known for her subtly nor her bashfulness, Rosemary, as we all called my dad’s mom, turned to me and asked, “Jim, have you had sex yet?” Naturally, I didn’t see that question coming from my grandmother, but I wasn’t surprised.

            I confessed that I had not had sex. I was an eighteen-year-old virgin who had been a Christian since I was twelve. Of course, I didn’t lack opportunities to have sex; what I lacked was courage. I didn’t have the courage to do something I believed the Bible said not to do. I’d spent six years in various youth groups where relationships were discussed, and the overwhelming biblical consensus was that a man and a woman should wait until they are married before they engage in sexual intercourse. I didn’t tell Rosemary all that. I simply said, “No.”

            This is where the conversation got even weirder than it already was, as hard as that is to imagine. Rosemary went on to tell me about her wedding night experience with my grandfather. She told me she was a virgin on their wedding night but my grandfather was not, which was not unusual in the 1930’s. At this point I’m thinking, “This is too much information,” but Rosemary continued unabashed.

            “The first time a woman makes love can be a very difficult and scary time for her. She needs a man who has enough sexual experience to be gentile with her on her first night. Your grandfather was such a man, and I’m grateful.”

            As I’m contemplating all this, Rosemary continues. “I suggest you find yourself an experienced woman who can teach you the art of lovemaking, so when it is time for you to be with your wife for her first time, you can lead her gently and satisfy her needs.”

            Yes, my fifty-five year old grandmother just told her eighteen-year-old grandson to go out and have sex.  

            It’s not that I hadn’t thought about having sex. After all, I was EIGHTEEN!!  Of course, I’d thought about it. Often. God created me to desire a woman, to want to make love, to “be fruitful and multiply,” as Genesis 1:28 says. It was perfectly natural for me to want to lie down with a woman and experience sexual intercourse, and now my grandmother had just strongly suggested I go out and fulfill that desire.

            As you can imagine, this conversation had my head spinning for about a week. As an eighteen-year-old virgin, I was doing my best to keep my thoughts pure and not think too much about sex, but now my grandmother suggested I do just the opposite. And yes, there was a part of me who thought she was giving me very good advice, and I spent considerable time thinking about how I could get away with it.

            But that was the problem. I didn’t want to “get away” with anything. My grandmother said a man should not be a virgin on his wedding night, but my mind kept going back to the first chapter of Genesis, which reveals God’s original plan for a man and a woman. In this creation account, we see one man and one woman who were both virgins upon their first sexual experience and, in spite of their inexperience, they managed to stay together for a long and fruitful life.

            Furthermore, I considered two other items in addition to what I believed the Bible taught me about sex. First, I didn’t want my sexual abilities, or lack thereof, to be the topic of conversation among other women I may have known in town. That discussion should be a private conversation between a husband and wife. Second, as cute as he may have been, I didn’t want a little Jimmy running around as a result of my poor decision. I wanted to go to Bible College, and the shame I would have felt because of my disobedience to God resulting in an unwanted pregnancy might have derailed that dream.

            Rosemary and I never talked about it again, so I never told her I rejected her advice. My first real crisis regarding my obedience to Scripture came through the caring, yet misguided, advice from my grandmother. I loved her dearly, of course, but I decided my obedience to God’s Word was more important than either my grandmother’s advice or the natural desires of my body. And this was how, fifteen years later, I was able to share my virginity with my wife on our wedding night, where “the man (me) and his wife (Barbara) were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25).

A Lesson in Love

Posted by Jim Thornber on August 20, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Grief, Marriage, Service. Tagged: Faith, Flowers, God, Grief. 4 Comments

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4)

            Back in the early spring, I decided it was time to put together a list of the flowers and plants I wanted to buy for the dozen or so pots around the house that were awaiting a splash of color after a cold, Kansas winter. Barbara was the mastermind of our flower gardens, but with her passing last year, the job now fell to me.

I knew the basic plants and flowers I wanted to get: Coleus and petunia, dragon wing begonia and purslane, dahlia, geranium, caladium and impatiens. With this list in my head and an excitement I hadn’t felt in months, I drove to the local nursery close to my house.

However, as I entered the parking lot of the nursery, sadness entered the cab of my truck. I tried to ignore it, but as I walked up and down the aisles looking at all the plants that reminded me of Barbara, I started to cry and knew I couldn’t do it. Fortunately, I had the greenhouse to myself, so nobody saw a sixty-year-old man blubbering his way out the door and back to his truck.

            After a few tearful minutes in my truck, I wiped my face, went back into the nursery and bought four items for the front of my church. I counted that as a victory.

            When I got home, I sent a text to two friends who had lost their spouses before I lost Barb, telling them what happened and that I planned to try again next week. One friend responded, “Oh….take your time. You will know when, even if just a couple of pots this year.” The other said, “Or maybe not next week…maybe next month or next spring. There is no timetable—you’ll know when you’re ready.”

            A few weeks after my breakdown at the nursery, I was talking Lauren, a single girl who lives across the street. She was struggling to keep her plants alive so I was giving her some tips. Because she had plants on her porch and I didn’t, I mentioned to her my failure at the nursery as a way of explanation for the lack of plants and flowers. Lauren said, “Oh, I understand. But I always enjoyed looking across the street and seeing all the flowers and the color.”

            She didn’t know it then, but that was the boost I needed. The next day I went back to the nursery and stocked up on the plants and flowers I tried to buy three weeks ago. When I got home, I took a picture of everything in the back of my car. Then I sent the picture to the friends I texted earlier with a caption that said, “SUCCESS!”

            The lesson I learned from this was simple: I shouldn’t stop doing things that bring other people pleasure just because my feelings are hurt. Yes, I wanted to buy flowers. Yes, I got emotional about it. Yes, I waited a while before I went back, but I DID go back. Lauren taught me how some of the simple habits Barbara and I formed also brought simple pleasures to other people. Paul reminded the Philippians to look out for “the interest of others.” Lauren’s offhand remark reminded me she was one of the “others,” and now I wonder how many “others” are out there who might need me to attend to the things that bring joy not just to me, but also to them.    

God Doesn’t Owe Me An Apology

Posted by Jim Thornber on July 5, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Marriage. Tagged: Christian Spirituality, Death, Faith, God, Loss, Marriage, Religion. 3 Comments

On September 12, 2020, my wife Barbara died of complications from COVID-19. After spending the hours after her death talking with doctors, nurses, friends, and family, I drove to the hotel where I had a reservation. The young clerk behind the counter couldn’t find my reservation on her first or second try, but finally, with the help of her manager, she found it and said to me with a smile, “I’m sorry, this is my first day.” Instead of expressing frustration with this first-day-on-the-job clerk, from the depths of my weariness I, too, managed a smile. “That’s okay,” I said. “Everyone has a first day on the job.”

As soon as I said that, I sensed God speak these words into my heart: “Very good, son. Your pain is not her problem.” I’ve since realized that when the Lord spoke to my heart in that hotel lobby after the death of my wife, He complimented my behavior, but He did not apologize for my pain.

I believe there are many Christians sitting in churches across our nation waiting for God to apologize for their suffering, and it’s driving a wedge between them and their Savior. They’re expecting God to make it up to them, to pay them back for all their misfortune, for all the pain, for all the wrongs. But that is not who God is, and He’s been reminding me of this as I’ve been working on a series of sermons called, “Not Forgotten.”

Sometimes people can feel like God has abandoned them, taken them out of the game, forgotten their name or just doesn’t know or care about the difficulty they are encountering. This can happen to the best people I know, and at Journey Church we will be looking at Job, Joseph, Hagar and the Apostles in order to remind us that God knows our name, sees our predicament, hears us our cry, remembers where we are and has not forgotten us. In fact, Jesus said He is preparing a place for us now and plans to come back, pick us up, and take us home to meet the Father. We are not forgotten.

However, as I was working on this week’s sermon about Joseph, I came to a crashing halt over one particular scene. This is the one where Potiphar throws Joseph into prison on trumped up charges by Mrs. Potiphar who, after Joseph refused her advances, accuses him of trying to rape her. What startled me was the idea that God didn’t apologize to Joseph for letting him spend two years in prison after being falsely accused of rape. Then I remembered God never apologized to Job for his troubles, either. He didn’t apologize to Ezekiel after his wife died, to Hosea for asking him to marry a prostitute, or to Hagar for her harsh treatment by Abraham and Sarah. God doesn’t even offer an apology to Daniel and his friends after they became eunuchs and slaves in Babylon (Isa.39:5-6).  

Yes, Potiphar’s wife wrongfully accused Joseph of attempted rape, and he spends the next two years in prison (Gen. 41:1). However, where Joseph lands is exactly where God wanted him so He could use Joseph to save two nations from starvation. What appears to be a disaster is God’s delay of Joseph’s dreams so He could develop his character in order to fulfill his destiny. Why should God apologize for that?

In a lonely hotel lobby three hours after my wife’s passing, God didn’t say to me, “My son, I’m sorry you’re hurt.” He didn’t say, “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way,” or “I’m sorry I brought my daughter Barbara home and you don’t have her anymore.” Furthermore, in the midst of my pain, I never asked God why Barbara died. Of course, I knew she would die one day, as we all do, therefore my pain is not unique. I’m not the first man to lose his wife, so I never asked God, “Why?” But what I did learn, as do all those who suffer and continue to offer God a sacrifice of praise, is a deeper understanding of Who God is, because His purpose is restore our life back into the image of Christ (Rom. 8:29; 2 Cor. 3:18). Like Jesus, we learn obedience through our suffering (Heb. 5:8) so God can use us for His glory. Why should God apologize for that?

If your life is troubled today and you’ve suffered loss (think of Job, Daniel and Ezekiel), or experienced the injustice of false accusations (think of Joseph, Paul and Jesus), or even if you’re in the midst of righteous persecution for doing what you were asked to do (think of Hagar and Hosea), I encourage you to stop blaming God, and certainly abandon the idea that He owes you an apology.

Expecting an apology from God leads us down two unhealthy and unholy roads. First, it means we’ve concluded God doesn’t know what He is doing, so it brings an element of distrust into our relationship with our Savior. Second, expecting an apology from God means we believe something happened in our life for which God needs our forgiveness, which, if left unchecked, will develop in us a root of bitterness (Heb. 12:51) in our relationship with the Eternal God (Ps. 48:14).

If you’re breathing air you have, you are, or you will suffer (John 16:33). However, God reminds us we may be sowing with tears today but we will reap with shouts of joy (Ps. 126:5). He said He will take away our clothes of mourning and replace them with clothes of joy (Ps. 30:11), and for His children who mourn He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, “a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair” (Isa. 61:3a). For all we’ve been through, God says we will eventually grow into great oak trees that He has planted for His own glory (Isa. 61:3b).

Why would God apologize for that?

If you have recently lost a spouse, a parent, or a child, or know someone who has, I encourage you to read my book, Better with Every Breath. Written in the first sixty days after I lost Barbara, it shows you how I chose gratitude as my response to the inevitable in life: losing a loved one. I chose to thank God for the time we had and not be angry for the time we did not.

No Wishing Allowed

Posted by Jim Thornber on May 27, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: Faith, Family, God, Grief, Marriage. Leave a comment

I originally published this in July, 2017, but with Barbara’s passing last September, I wanted to share this again as an encouragement for those who are married and for those who hope to be one day.

Not too long after Barbara and I were married, we cooked our first Thanksgiving turkey. It wasn’t too bad for a first time effort, and, although I really don’t remember it, I’m sure the whole meal was a joy. I do remember, however, that after I carved the turkey I did the traditional thing and set the wishbone aside to dry on the windowsill in the kitchen.

After a few weeks we decided the wishbone was ready to be tested. Barbara took one end and I took another. After making our “wishes,” we pulled at the wishbone, only to have it split evenly right up the middle. No winners. No losers. Just us, still the same. We looked at each other, then at the pieces of bone in our hands, then back at each other and nervously laughed.

I don’t often get weirdly spiritual, as in looking for God trying to get my attention behind every strange happening or offbeat coincidence. Still, Barbara and I knew immediately what the Lord was saying, and we haven’t shared a wishbone since. Not once. So, if you think we are weird spiritual fanatics, at least we are weird together and we don’t have only one of us taking all the blame.

From this simple incident we learned two valuable lessons. First, the success of our marriage has nothing to do with luck and even less to do with wishing. There is nothing superstitious, coincidental, fortuitous or haphazard about a successful marriage. A strong, committed relationship is a choice we make, everyday, for the rest of our lives. Furthermore, I didn’t get “lucky” finding Barbara. My first priority was to follow God’s direction in my life, not find a wife. With that priority set, God brought the right woman into my life. Luck is not a factor when God is placed first.

Second, Barbara and I are not in competition. I do not “win” when she “loses.” I am not the better person if my wishes come true over those of my wife. There are plenty of good thing’s in life to go around without thinking my fortune must come at someone else’s misfortune. Unless we are in a heated game of Scrabble, I am not in competition with Barbara. And even in Scrabble, we cheer the other if they make a high score. I didn’t get married to compete with and overcome my best friend. Her success is my success.

Because I believe this, it bothers me to watch couples take delight in putting the other one down in public. If a guy does this to his wife, I’m thinking, “If she is so stupid and ignorant, why did you take public vows telling the world you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Who’s the real idiot in this scene?”

Ephesians reminds men to “love your wives, just as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Not once has anyone ever heard Jesus point to one of His Bride and say, “Why are you so dumb? He Mike and Gabriel, come look at what stupid thing this one did just now.” Jesus treats His Church better than that, and so should we. Even if they are not our spouse. But especially if they are.

So, this Thanksgiving when someone wants to make a wish over a piece of bone, kindly look at them and say, “Tell you what. How ’bout we both pray good things for one another, because your success is my success.”

If you are interested in reading my book about loss, grief and my decision to choose gratitude before Barbara passed, you can now buy my book at your favorite bookseller.

This Is NOT My Money

Posted by Jim Thornber on May 4, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Publishing, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: God, Grief, Money, Publishing, Scripture. 2 Comments

“Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us!” – 1 Chronicles 29:14

          Have you ever thrown yourself a pity party and you didn’t invite anyone except yourself? I did just that last month, but instead of being alone, the Lord took pity on me and showed up anyway. And I’m very grateful He did.

            Forty days after my wife Barbara died on September 12, 2020, I started writing a book called Better with Every Breath: The Journey from Loss to Living Again. This book tells how I chose to express gratitude to God in the midst of a devastating loss. Because I’m not a well-known name in Christian circles, I self-published my book with HigherLife Publishing, the same company that published my first book, Taking Off My Comfortable Clothes. Friends and colleagues encouraged me to write even when I didn’t think I had it within me to do so. But nineteen days later I had a rough draft and in March, I received my copies from my publisher.

About the time my books arrived at my house, a couple whose wedding I did invited me to their home for dinner on Saturday evening. They asked if I would bring a copy of my book and play some boogie-woogie piano for grandma. Of course I said yes, (dinner was tomahawk rib eye and lobster tail!), and we had a wonderful time.

            Three days later, I was alone in the back of Woods Lumber where I work during the week. As I was checking in some freight, I started my pity party.

            “Lord,” I said, “I wonder if I did I do the right thing. This book cost me a lot of time and money. I know I’ve only had the books for less than a week, and it won’t release from Amazon for another two months, but did I do the right thing? Was it worth it?”

            Not three seconds later, the man who invited me to dinner came into the back room at Woods Lumber looking for me. He’s a tall man from Texas and speaks with that wonderful, slow drawl. He looked at me through misty eyes and said, “I just wanted to thank you for coming to our house Saturday night and bringing you book. We’ve already read it and cried. And thank you for playing piano for grandma. I just wanted you to know I appreciate you and I consider you one of my best friends.” Then, with tears in his eyes, he shook my hand and left.

            As I stood there a bit stunned and speechless, the Lord interrupted my pity party and spoke this to my heart: “Who are you to tell Me how I should spend My money?”

            Now I was speechless twice.

            The business world will tell us to always be aware of the ROI, the Return On Investment. The ROI measures the efficiency or profitability of an investment. If I invest X amount of dollars, will I get X+ in return? Will I get my money back and then some?

            But God works from a completely different economic model than the one Wall Street uses, which I discovered in the back room at WoodsLumber. God was reminding me how He was leading me to invest His money in His people, for He was not looking for a monetary ROI, but a spiritual one.

               I’m grateful the Lord has chosen to use my story to touch the lives of His people, and I’m glad King David reminds me that everything I have comes from God. Besides, isn’t it always easier to spend someone else’s money than it is to spend your own?

Comfort Is Not The Agenda

Posted by Jim Thornber on November 23, 2020
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: Faith, God, Jesus, Loss, Spouse. Leave a comment

One of the criminals hanging beside him scoffed, “So you’re the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself—and us, too, while you’re at it!” (Luke 23:39)

One of the highlights of my week is meeting with pastors from other churches for coffee on Friday mornings. There is no plan or schedule to these meetings other than friendship, but we also gather knowing we have a unique position in our town and only other pastors will understand our victories and struggles.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the pastors referenced the thief on the cross who scoffed at Jesus, saying, “So you’re the Messiah, are you? Prove it by saving yourself—and us, too, while you’re at it!” After he quoted the thief I said, “And here we are today, still trying to tell God how to be God!”

As soon as I said this it struck me how often I have done the same thing as the thief. “If you were really THIS kind of God,” I would think, “then you would do THIS for me.” And, of course, this makes me a thief who is trying to steal the true character of God and replace it with a god of my making.  

It’s a good thing our society no longer hangs thieves.

If anyone is wondering, I have plenty of suggestions on how God can make me comfortable and answer my prayers. But then, I think about Jesus. As He hung upon the cross, Jesus wasn’t concerned with His comfort. Instead, He was concerned with obeying God’s agenda for His life.

Furthermore, it’s easy for me to admit I’ve lived a comfortable life. I’ve never known the type of suffering that took place in Europe during World War II. I’ve never battled cancer or been kidnapped. I’ve never faced homelessness or starvation, never been in a car crash or lost a limb in an accident, and for those things I am grateful.

The worst pain I have ever experienced is the loss of my wife, Barbara, who died on September 12, 2020 from complications of COVID-19. I can find no words that adequately describe the pain of losing a soul mate, a best friend, the one God created to be my equal in life.

Still, I trust God will continue to work in my life as I go forward, the same way He worked in our life as I look back at the amazing twenty-six years I had with Barbara.    

After years of wanting God to fulfill my will, I’ve finally come to accept that God’s agenda for my life is not to make me comfortable, but to help conform me into the image of Christ (Rom. 8:29). Therefore, I cannot honestly say, “LORD, your will be done in me,” then complain when His will makes me uncomfortable.

Losing a spouse is devastating, but losing my perspective on God’s magnificent goodness and love would be worse. Therefore, I’ve decided keep these words of Habakkuk constantly on my mind: “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength!” (Hab. 3:18-19).

Although I am still mourning, I mourn with hope, and “hope does not disappoint” (Romans 5:5). Instead, hope brings me the comfort only God can provide in a season of tremendous loss, for now I truly understand the Sovereign Lord is my strength.

Going Where Others Cannot

Posted by Jim Thornber on October 22, 2020
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: Christian Spirituality, Faith, Friendship, Jesus. 2 Comments

“As evening came, Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Let’s cross to the other side of the lake. So they took Jesus in the boat and started out, leaving the crowds behind (although other boats followed). (Mark 4:35-36)

            Many people I know can look back at their lives and wonder what happened to that friend who was so important to them at one time, and now they are no longer part of their life. Me, too. Then I read this passage in Mark and I began to understand.      

            In this story we see Jesus telling His disciples to row Him across the Sea of Galilee. Perhaps they had an idea they were headed to Gentile territory, but they certainly didn’t know they would visit burial caves and witness Jesus heal a man who had a legion of demons living in him.

            But that’s not my point. What interests me in this passage is the way other boats followed, but we have no record of those people getting out of their boats and accompanying Jesus to the cemetery. And from what I can see, there was nothing preventing them from going onshore with Jesus. I believe this teaches us an important and comforting lesson: Not everyone who says they are a follower of Jesus is willing to go where Jesus is leading you.

When I was in Bible College, I had a friend who was very instrumental in my life. He was older than I was and raised in a Christian home—an advantage I did not have. I depended upon his experience with the Lord, his wisdom regarding the ways of the world and his godly counsel. He was one of the few people who wholeheartedly supported my decision to leave Southern California and join a monastery in Eureka Springs, AR. Later when I was praying about marrying Barbara, he was one of the friends I relied upon to guide my thinking and help me understand what I going to face as a married man. He said, “She loves you. Marry her.” And I did.

            Shortly after I started my Master’s degree, this friend stopped being my friend. He cut off all communication with me and wouldn’t talk to Barbara or me. Eventually, he left his wife and started his life over in another part of the country.

            This has bothered me for many years. Every few years he will text me or send an email, but fifteen years later, he still will not talk to me. I respect his decision and do not try to contact him. His ex-wife tells me what he thinks of me, but that’s all I know and all I need to know at this time. I finally came to understand that Jesus was leading Barbara and me in a direction—a direction this onetime friend was not willing to follow. He could no longer be my mentor and confident, because what I was going to experience as a disciple of Christ did not include him.

            This gives me a bit of comfort, knowing it may not have been anything I did, but something God did.

            Most of us can look back and wonder what happened to that important friend we once had. We remember it as a significant relationship, one we could see God’s hand orchestrating, supplying us with what we needed as a young Christian, guiding our thoughts and actions into a better understanding of God’s ways. Then slowly, or in my case, suddenly, that person is no longer there. God was calling us to a place others could not or would not follow.

Abraham experienced a similar situation as he prepared to obey God by sacrificing his only son Isaac. He told his servants, “Stay here with the donkey. The boy and I will travel a little farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back.” (Gen. 22:5).

Neither my former friend nor the servants of Abraham were bad people. I believe my friend is still serving God in his own capacity; he’s just not doing that by my side, and that is okay. Conversely, perhaps God led my friend in a direction I could not follow.

I write this hoping it brings you some comfort and insight into your own former relationships. It took me a while, but I no longer carry the pain of a friendship that no longer exists. I choose to believe that what I had was what I needed, and now I no longer need what I had. “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!” (Job 1:21).

Thoughts On The Passing Of My Wife

Posted by Jim Thornber on September 18, 2020
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: Christian Spirituality, Faith, God, Marriage. 8 Comments

(On September 12, 2020, my bride, my soulmate, my best friend for over 26 years passed away from complications of COVID-19. She was 66. The following blog is a few years old, but it is one of the best articles I wrote that describes the wonderful life we had together. I am grateful for the AMAZING life we shared. “Dance, my Beloved. Dance the Eternal Dance!”)

 

Not too long after Barbara and I were married, we cooked our first Thanksgiving turkey. It wasn’t too bad for a first time effort and, although I really don’t remember it, I’m sure the whole meal was a joy. I don’t remember anyone getting sick, so that’s a plus! I do remember, however, that after I carved the turkey, I did the traditional thing and set the wishbone aside to dry on the windowsill in the kitchen.

After a few weeks we decided the wishbone was ready to be tested. Barbara took one end and I took another. After making our “wishes,” we pulled at the wishbone, only to have it split evenly right up the middle. No winners. No losers. Just us, still the same. We looked at each other, then at the pieces of bone in our hands, then back at each other and nervously laughed.

I don’t often get weirdly spiritual, as in looking for God trying to get my attention behind every strange happening or offbeat coincidence. Still, Barbara and I knew immediately what the Lord was saying, and we haven’t shared a wishbone since. Not once. So, if you think we are weird spiritual fanatics, at least we are weird together and we don’t have only one of us taking all the blame.

From this simple incident we learned two valuable lessons. First, the success of our marriage has nothing to do with luck and even less to do with wishing. There is nothing superstitious, coincidental, fortuitous or haphazard about a successful marriage. A strong, committed relationship is a choice we make, every single day, for the rest of our lives. Furthermore, I didn’t get “lucky” finding Barbara. My first priority was to follow God’s direction in my life, not find a wife. With that priority set, God brought the right woman into my life. Luck is not a factor when God is placed first.

Second, Barbara and I are not in competition. I do not “win” when she “loses.” I am not the better person if my wishes come true over those of my wife. There is plenty of good in life to go around without thinking my fortune must come at someone else’s misfortune. Unless we are in a heated game of Scrabble, I am not in competition with Barbara. And even in Scrabble, we cheer the other if they make a high score. I didn’t get married to compete with and overcome my best friend. Her success is my success.

Because I believe this, it bothers me to watch couples take delight in putting the other one down in public. If a guy does that to his wife, I’m thinking, “If she is so stupid and ignorant, why did you take public vows telling the world you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Who’s the real idiot in this scene?”

Ephesians reminds men to “love your wives, just as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Not once has anyone ever heard Jesus point to one of His Bride and say, “Why are you so dumb? Hey Mike and Gabe, come look at what stupid thing this one did just now.” Jesus treats His Church better than that, and so should we. Even if they are not our spouse. But especially if they are.

So, this Thanksgiving when someone wants to make a wish over a piece of bone, kindly look at them and say, “Tell you what. How ‘bout we both pray good things for one another, because your success is my success.”

Sometimes, Jesus Wears A Skirt

Posted by Jim Thornber on July 18, 2020
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Marriage, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: Christian Spirituality, God, Jesus, Marriage, Scripture, Spirituality. 2 Comments

“It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make him a helper who is his equal.” —Gen. 2:18 (literal translation)

 

The late night call to Barbara and me in Baton Rouge came from my mom in Mississippi telling me my dad in California was dying of cancer. Although I had only seen him once in almost twenty years, I knew I needed to fly to California to be with him. The next day I asked for a week off from work, booked a flight to LAX and stayed with my friends Gary and Cece in Garden Grove. The next day I drove Cece’s car to my hometown of Thousand Oaks, CA to spend the week with my dad in the hospital.

Although it was difficult to see my dad in pain, thinner than I’d ever known and, because he was too weak to shave, wearing a beard I’d never seen before, it was also difficult to be away from home. Yes, I missed Barbara, but there was also something else on my mind, something more basic, more substantial and not very “spiritual” that was calling me home: money.

It’s not like we were out of money. By our limited standards, we had a decent savings account after selling our home in Arkansas and moving to Baton Rouge. However, like most people I know, our money is limited and it was on my mind while I was in California.

Now that you know where my semi-spiritual mind wandered while I was visiting my dad, I also remember sitting at his bedside and thinking, I need to stay another week.  Because such a thought was the complete opposite of my current thinking, I knew it must have been the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Naturally, I fought the thought of staying another week with a bunch of reasons it wouldn’t work. (Wrestling with God’s Spirit is one of the ways I get my spiritual exercise. I don’t recommend it). After finally giving in to the Lord, my next problem was how to tell Barbara I was going to miss another week of work without pay. Fortunately, the Holy Spirit already spoke with her. Continue Reading

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