Grief

All posts tagged Grief

A Lesson in Love

Posted by Jim Thornber on August 20, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Grief, Marriage, Service. Tagged: , , , . 4 Comments

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:4)

            Back in the early spring, I decided it was time to put together a list of the flowers and plants I wanted to buy for the dozen or so pots around the house that were awaiting a splash of color after a cold, Kansas winter. Barbara was the mastermind of our flower gardens, but with her passing last year, the job now fell to me.

I knew the basic plants and flowers I wanted to get: Coleus and petunia, dragon wing begonia and purslane, dahlia, geranium, caladium and impatiens. With this list in my head and an excitement I hadn’t felt in months, I drove to the local nursery close to my house.

However, as I entered the parking lot of the nursery, sadness entered the cab of my truck. I tried to ignore it, but as I walked up and down the aisles looking at all the plants that reminded me of Barbara, I started to cry and knew I couldn’t do it. Fortunately, I had the greenhouse to myself, so nobody saw a sixty-year-old man blubbering his way out the door and back to his truck.

            After a few tearful minutes in my truck, I wiped my face, went back into the nursery and bought four items for the front of my church. I counted that as a victory.

            When I got home, I sent a text to two friends who had lost their spouses before I lost Barb, telling them what happened and that I planned to try again next week. One friend responded, “Oh….take your time. You will know when, even if just a couple of pots this year.” The other said, “Or maybe not next week…maybe next month or next spring. There is no timetable—you’ll know when you’re ready.”

            A few weeks after my breakdown at the nursery, I was talking Lauren, a single girl who lives across the street. She was struggling to keep her plants alive so I was giving her some tips. Because she had plants on her porch and I didn’t, I mentioned to her my failure at the nursery as a way of explanation for the lack of plants and flowers. Lauren said, “Oh, I understand. But I always enjoyed looking across the street and seeing all the flowers and the color.”

            She didn’t know it then, but that was the boost I needed. The next day I went back to the nursery and stocked up on the plants and flowers I tried to buy three weeks ago. When I got home, I took a picture of everything in the back of my car. Then I sent the picture to the friends I texted earlier with a caption that said, “SUCCESS!”

            The lesson I learned from this was simple: I shouldn’t stop doing things that bring other people pleasure just because my feelings are hurt. Yes, I wanted to buy flowers. Yes, I got emotional about it. Yes, I waited a while before I went back, but I DID go back. Lauren taught me how some of the simple habits Barbara and I formed also brought simple pleasures to other people. Paul reminded the Philippians to look out for “the interest of others.” Lauren’s offhand remark reminded me she was one of the “others,” and now I wonder how many “others” are out there who might need me to attend to the things that bring joy not just to me, but also to them.    

No Wishing Allowed

Posted by Jim Thornber on May 27, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

I originally published this in July, 2017, but with Barbara’s passing last September, I wanted to share this again as an encouragement for those who are married and for those who hope to be one day.

Not too long after Barbara and I were married, we cooked our first Thanksgiving turkey. It wasn’t too bad for a first time effort, and, although I really don’t remember it, I’m sure the whole meal was a joy. I do remember, however, that after I carved the turkey I did the traditional thing and set the wishbone aside to dry on the windowsill in the kitchen.

After a few weeks we decided the wishbone was ready to be tested. Barbara took one end and I took another. After making our “wishes,” we pulled at the wishbone, only to have it split evenly right up the middle. No winners. No losers. Just us, still the same. We looked at each other, then at the pieces of bone in our hands, then back at each other and nervously laughed.

I don’t often get weirdly spiritual, as in looking for God trying to get my attention behind every strange happening or offbeat coincidence. Still, Barbara and I knew immediately what the Lord was saying, and we haven’t shared a wishbone since. Not once. So, if you think we are weird spiritual fanatics, at least we are weird together and we don’t have only one of us taking all the blame.

From this simple incident we learned two valuable lessons. First, the success of our marriage has nothing to do with luck and even less to do with wishing. There is nothing superstitious, coincidental, fortuitous or haphazard about a successful marriage. A strong, committed relationship is a choice we make, everyday, for the rest of our lives. Furthermore, I didn’t get “lucky” finding Barbara. My first priority was to follow God’s direction in my life, not find a wife. With that priority set, God brought the right woman into my life. Luck is not a factor when God is placed first.

Second, Barbara and I are not in competition. I do not “win” when she “loses.” I am not the better person if my wishes come true over those of my wife. There are plenty of good thing’s in life to go around without thinking my fortune must come at someone else’s misfortune. Unless we are in a heated game of Scrabble, I am not in competition with Barbara. And even in Scrabble, we cheer the other if they make a high score. I didn’t get married to compete with and overcome my best friend. Her success is my success.

Because I believe this, it bothers me to watch couples take delight in putting the other one down in public. If a guy does this to his wife, I’m thinking, “If she is so stupid and ignorant, why did you take public vows telling the world you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? Who’s the real idiot in this scene?”

Ephesians reminds men to “love your wives, just as Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). Not once has anyone ever heard Jesus point to one of His Bride and say, “Why are you so dumb? He Mike and Gabriel, come look at what stupid thing this one did just now.” Jesus treats His Church better than that, and so should we. Even if they are not our spouse. But especially if they are.

So, this Thanksgiving when someone wants to make a wish over a piece of bone, kindly look at them and say, “Tell you what. How ’bout we both pray good things for one another, because your success is my success.”

If you are interested in reading my book about loss, grief and my decision to choose gratitude before Barbara passed, you can now buy my book at your favorite bookseller.

This Is NOT My Money

Posted by Jim Thornber on May 4, 2021
Posted in: Christian Spirituality, Publishing, Religion, Scripture. Tagged: , , , , . 2 Comments

“Everything we have has come from you, and we give you only what you first gave us!” – 1 Chronicles 29:14

          Have you ever thrown yourself a pity party and you didn’t invite anyone except yourself? I did just that last month, but instead of being alone, the Lord took pity on me and showed up anyway. And I’m very grateful He did.

            Forty days after my wife Barbara died on September 12, 2020, I started writing a book called Better with Every Breath: The Journey from Loss to Living Again. This book tells how I chose to express gratitude to God in the midst of a devastating loss. Because I’m not a well-known name in Christian circles, I self-published my book with HigherLife Publishing, the same company that published my first book, Taking Off My Comfortable Clothes. Friends and colleagues encouraged me to write even when I didn’t think I had it within me to do so. But nineteen days later I had a rough draft and in March, I received my copies from my publisher.

About the time my books arrived at my house, a couple whose wedding I did invited me to their home for dinner on Saturday evening. They asked if I would bring a copy of my book and play some boogie-woogie piano for grandma. Of course I said yes, (dinner was tomahawk rib eye and lobster tail!), and we had a wonderful time.

            Three days later, I was alone in the back of Woods Lumber where I work during the week. As I was checking in some freight, I started my pity party.

            “Lord,” I said, “I wonder if I did I do the right thing. This book cost me a lot of time and money. I know I’ve only had the books for less than a week, and it won’t release from Amazon for another two months, but did I do the right thing? Was it worth it?”

            Not three seconds later, the man who invited me to dinner came into the back room at Woods Lumber looking for me. He’s a tall man from Texas and speaks with that wonderful, slow drawl. He looked at me through misty eyes and said, “I just wanted to thank you for coming to our house Saturday night and bringing you book. We’ve already read it and cried. And thank you for playing piano for grandma. I just wanted you to know I appreciate you and I consider you one of my best friends.” Then, with tears in his eyes, he shook my hand and left.

            As I stood there a bit stunned and speechless, the Lord interrupted my pity party and spoke this to my heart: “Who are you to tell Me how I should spend My money?”

            Now I was speechless twice.

            The business world will tell us to always be aware of the ROI, the Return On Investment. The ROI measures the efficiency or profitability of an investment. If I invest X amount of dollars, will I get X+ in return? Will I get my money back and then some?

            But God works from a completely different economic model than the one Wall Street uses, which I discovered in the back room at WoodsLumber. God was reminding me how He was leading me to invest His money in His people, for He was not looking for a monetary ROI, but a spiritual one.

               I’m grateful the Lord has chosen to use my story to touch the lives of His people, and I’m glad King David reminds me that everything I have comes from God. Besides, isn’t it always easier to spend someone else’s money than it is to spend your own?