Rembrandt's "The Return of the Prodigal Son"
I’ve been reading Henri Nouwen’s book The Return Of The Prodigal Son (Image Books, 1994). He has a passage in the book which just wrung me out this morning. And, since I like to share Scriptures That Bother Me, I thought I’d also share some “Nouwen That Bothers Me.” Enjoy.
What happened to the son in the distant country? Aside from all the material and physical consequences, what were the inner consequences of the son’s leaving home? The sequence of events is quite predictable. The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.
It goes somewhat like this: I am not so sure anymore that I have a safe home, and I observe other people who seem to be better off than I. I wonder how I can get to where they are. I try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. When I fail, I feel jealous of resentful of these others. When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. I become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that I won’t get what I so much desire or will lose what I already have. Caught in tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations. I feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. Always on my guard, I lose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. I wonder if anyone really cares. I start looking for validations of my distrust. And wherever I go, I see them, and I say: “No one can be trusted.” And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. The world around me becomes dark. My heart grows heavy. My body is filled with sorrows. My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul
What really strikes me is the statement, “Caught in this tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations.” Caught between needing to provide for my family, wanting to see my book published, needing to see my gifts used in the Church, wanting to contribute to the Kingdom of God….“I no longer know my own motivations.”
But I know the One who does. And when I am done running around the distant country looking for what I want to be when I grow up, He is always there to welcome me home with open arms.
Previously posted Dec. ’08
Please understand – it is not that I dislike Jesus. Jesus is still my Lord and Savior (much to the surprise of a few people who know me, I’m sure). The problem I’m having is with Paul and his whole joyful attitude theme. It is starting to get on my nerves, because sometimes I just don’t WANT to be joyful. I feel it is my RIGHT to complain about my circumstances, and I want a group of sympathetic ears to gather around me, pat me on the back and tell me it’ll all be “okay.” Instead, I read the book of Philippians and in place of a pat on the back, I get a kick in the pants.
Last night a friend invited me to a men’s study at his church. I usually don’t go to men’s groups, but this man attends my Friday night group and I wanted to support him.
This morning while reading Scripture, I had one of those times when I intended to read an entire chapter, but couldn’t get out of the first verse. In fact, I didn’t even finish the first verse. All I saw was, Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today. And what struck me hard was the word “today.”
When I was in Bible College, one of the key phrases that flowed from the mouths of those studying for the ministry was, “I just want to know God’s will for my life.” This is a fair and noble goal, to be sure, an ambition worthy of both princes and paupers alike. But in the twenty something years since my graduation, I’ve come to see that finding God’s will is both simple and profound, and like most things about God, it comes at a price.
Up until recently, I never had a need or an opportunity to apply these verses to my life. However, since I have been an unemployed minister for a while, I am starting to read Scripture differently, because I am starting to doubt my own resources.
I was sitting in church the other day when the pastor read this verse from John. Naturally, I respected his sermon by immediately tuning him out and writing my own notes. As most of you know, there are usually two sermons we hear on Sunday—the one the pastor preaches, and the one we preach to ourselves on the way home. For my own rude reasons, I didn’t even wait to get into the car before I was preaching to myself.
Thinking Out Loud 